Never growing up

Mortality

When I was little I used to sit and think about not existing anymore, and by that I mean death. I would almost make myself cry from thinking about it too much. I used to think that after you died there was nothing left. The world would cease to exist because I wasn't on it. In reality it would cease to exist because if I wasn't there to experience it, there would be no difference if the world existed or not. I don't know why as a child I didn't believe in a amusement park-like heaven like I'm sure other kids did, maybe even then I was a skeptic. I'm not scared of death like I used to be, but I'm not sure what changed my perspective. Recently I read the book "The Lovely Bones" where the narrator of the story is speaking to the reader from heaven. That book made me feel like there was something else to do after you died, you could still observe the happenings of Earth and know that it existed without you and possibly still influence it. I like the idea and feel comforted by it.

But even more recently I found out that my Tia/Aunt Theresa had a hole in her heart, which to me sounds very serious, but supposedly she isn't taking it that seriously. She is probably going to have to go into surgery or have some other serious treatment. My Tia Theresa is the eldest of my moms siblings, but she isn't that much older than my mom. Knowing this I can't help but think about my parents' own mortality, and then my own! Its scary cause as I heard this news, I thought to myself "Wow, this is it. This is when my aunts and uncles are going to start getting sick and dying." I'm an adult now, and am going to have to face many instances like this. I'm getting old enough o have to deal with death and I feel sick at the thought. I mean I've never been to funeral of someone really close to me except that of my grandmother, and that happened when I feel I was too little to feel the complete impact of it all.

My Tio/Uncle Mino also had problems earlier last year with his heart, that scared everybody. This did not come as a shock because of his lifestyle and because he has diabetes, but nonetheless was disturbing. And now this week my cousin Ramon is getting shipped off to Iraq, and while everyone holds their fear in the back of their minds, I cant help but think about the possibility of something happening to him. I find myself praying for him, even though I don't consider myself a religious person I somehow believe in the power of prayer.

I find that I fear for others as well as myself, but somehow I think that other peoples faith will take care of them, like just having those expectations will make them a reality. What I also selfishly fear about losing people around me is that they wont be here for me, isn't that sick?

So I don't know what my feelings on death really are, they seem to change from moment to moment. I have some probably false comfort in the belief of a heaven or heavenesque type place, which is weird because at the same time I think that after you die you just don't exist anymore and that its easier because its rest, its calm. There is no you to worry about, Earth is no longer a place to worry about. But either way, whatever happens I don't fear MY OWN death like I used to when I was a kid.

posted by Kathy =) @ 5:14 PM